Let’s address the elephant in the room. Everybody has questions floating in their brains about the 0-2 start in GSC play. Over the past few years, we’ve grown used to winning a lot of ball games. So what’s different this year? That question has been bouncing around in my head ever since I saw our team get beat by Montevallo and West AL convincingly over the last week. The good news is, I have found the answers. There are a few factors that occurred this season that haven’t happened in previous years. I have compiled a list after much research…..
1. Bobby Champagne going D1 next year. He is this Blog’s burden to carry. I’m not sure how, but I know deep in my heart that he’s part of the reason for the slow start in conference play this year. Maybe it’s because he padded the win column thus far in the season with wins over Virgin Islands and Devry University? I’m not sure, but I know he’s behind this in some capacity.
2. Chadd from Montevallo University/Homeland Security. I have a theory that Chadd is not actually part of Montevallo’s bicycle campus police like we previously thought. I have intel and reason to believe he is actually part of Homeland security with ties to an anonymous organization who is here to destroy my life. The theory of how Chadd played a part in the demise of the Chargers on Wednesday is that I believe he was allowed into our locker room before we arrived and put an untraceable gas that affected our vision and caused us to miss shots. We reached out to the University for an investigation into this matter, but guess who was in charge of the investigation? None other than Chadd himself. Shockingly, nothing was found.
3. Global Warming. It’s unseasonably warm for this time of year, and I don’t think it’s out of bounds for me to say that we shouldn’t be playing conference basketball if I can wear shorts and flip flops in north Alabama. Our guys were thrown off by this and not in the mindset to play at midseason form. If we could get James Spann in here, I’m sure he’d agree with my argument.
4. Brad Rowland. He may actually be the worst. If you don’t remember him or listen to our podcast (why aren’t you supporting the Pirate Ship on iTunes and Soundcloud???), he is the beat writer for Peachtree Hoops who has an affiliation with the Hawks. He’s distracted us by saying dumb things on Twitter and causing the Blog to focus attention elsewhere instead of conference play. Also, caused Troy (allegedly) to get into a Twitter War on Thanksgiving with him. Just eat your turkey and keep our name off your lips.
5. New bleachers in Spragins. You know what was wrong with the old seats? Nothing. They are glorious with the sticky spots from Coca-Colas spilled on them and gum underneath. But somebody, I’m not going to name names, wanted new ones. Well, when they came, we had to practice elsewhere. I know you’re thinking maybe this would make us more prepared for road games, but I’m more sure of anything in my life that these bleachers need to go and we need to raid Yost’s garage (aka Garage Mahal) and put them back in minus the 3 I have in my house. It’s messed up our flow of Spragins and I won’t stand for it.
6. Bitcoins and other cyber currency. I trust Bobby Champagne with the ball and 10 seconds on the clock in a tie game to draw up a good play more than I trust this Ponzi-scheme. We need to put an end to this now and get back to proper American currency before we have to tell Les and the softball team that 1/10th of my bitcoin is worth a bag of popcorn and a blow pop at the concession stand at Spragins.
As we go into Trevecca on Tuesday, I’m confident we will be ready. We’ve started slow the last few years and ended up in good shape. As a wise man once told me, “Guys, we’re fine!”